i'm just watching tainspotting, the first 15 has completely petrified me, its actually me and lusty :-/ fuck fuck fuck fuck all i wana be is be normal fuck.

26th May 2011

So monday was a bit of sham, i handed in all of my uni work and i was really pleased with all the outcome of experiments with my illistration work. After i thought i deserved a damn good smoke, I went into town and met Lusty, i had £200 in my bank account. After smoking all day i still thought i deserved a treat from all my 'hard work' so i went out into town and broke my none drinking, the night ended horribly i ended up crying about mum's cancer and buying a gram of coke which i shared between two people.
It was a fucking stupid idea, but i had a really good dance on monday night so that was good.
At the moment i'm currently cleaning my room. Last night i was so ill, i had a nose bleed and my stomach was killing me, i blame this on withdrawal. My bones felt like they were disolving, due to these horrible pains, i decided it was best for me to take heroin again today. I've smoked all day and i wrote a song, the inspiration has been brewing in me the past week i've had these beats going on in my head going round and round and round. Like electronic with overtones of soft vocals with over tones of screaming vocals with guitars that skin the very soul of mankind.
But i've had enough of heroin. Now i feel better because i've smoked today, but i'm cleaning my room as i woke up on tuesday with smeared make up down my face, a bloody nose from doing all the coke and a headache in a room which was just pure filth, dirty cups everywhere, backie everywhere, Lusty and Edie layed next to me, obviously nothing sexual, but i just felt horrible. I want to clean tonight, i've wrote a song and i want to get clean again. I fucking hate the withdrawal but its worth it if i don't sort this out now i'm going to kill myself. I have too much life to throw it away, i have a riot in me, but i need to find other ways to tame it, i could die, even though i think often of killing myself. I don't want to be a slow motion suicide, i love heroin, but its dark and fucking evil. I use to be so bright, loving and now even my friends have noticed a change, you can't hide a habit. I've changed. Its not good and i will die if i don't sort this out now. So i'm preparing for a flood of pain and emotion tomorrow, that's why i need a clean room, that's why i need to make sure everything around me is livable because i'm not going to able to do much the next few days anyway i'll see how it goes.

21/05/2011 Sat

Today woke up still and fell straight back to sleep, I'm generally ill i thought it was withdrawal but i have a cold. Went into town and scored with Lusty, he's a friend from school, tall thin long hair, got a bone structure as solid as Piet Mondrian primary colour pieces. He always finds some form of pleasure in peoples suffering, even though he say's he cares, his morbid fascination with beautiful people indulging in self destruction is quiet over powering to me e.g Edie Sedgwick, Gia.
I got him a job today to feed his Heroin habit, we went down to the needle pit opposite the police station, this place all says it in the name, literally the place is covered in used needles in a small woodland part, it has one concrete wall, which has junkie artwork all over it. This is where we get high as airplanes and shoot like stars. After meeting the beloved Kitty the crack and heroin dealer, i went to a bar, danced under crystal white light to screaming amplified music which rattled my bones, my hair and eye's glowing, piercing everyone in my way. I felt free tonight, and i didn't have a single drink. You see when i drink i turn into a Monster, i'm like Jekyll and Hyde, i can't control my brutal outbursts on society. When i don't drink i can just look over my feelings and twist around my words so i please others, if i did say what i thought most of the time, then i'd be sectioned, instantly. Only a few weekends back i had a huge epiphany about who i became when i drank.

I had an argument with a hotel manager because some ignorant white trash northern twats were having sex next door banging on the fucking walls for an hour, after an hour i went crazy and nearly smashed the wall down screaming, my boyfriend was being sick in the toilet and i couldn't help but kick off about how ignorant these commoned mouthed twats were being but my boyfriend grabbed me by the throat to shut me up, but i flew back at him with flying colours of emotion and made him bleed by scratching his arms however these were not the only arms i scratched that night, after telling my mother she was worthless in my rage, i stumbled onto blackpool beach, in 6inch platforms a black wig, black all down my face from my tears which made my mascara run, all in silver chains chains with no shirt on. I smashed the bottle i was drinking from and laid on the beach. The skies were grey i was screaming my lyrics out at the sea, no person could hear me but the seagulls were the only thing hearing my screams, they were obviously screaming back at me, they looked like the devils decimals at the time. The sand looked silver. and the sea looked vast but inviting. My mind was solar at this point, not on any drugs apart from drink, I was hysterically crying as i took what i thought would be my final breathe, i stabbed my self over and over again on my arms with the broken bottle, bleeding everywhere staining my body, letting the blood drip onto the rocks around me as the tide was coming in. I obviously survived, this was one of many times i cheated death, all this selfish act did was compliment the other hundreds of scars on my arms. My arms are covered in them, some from love, some from hate, all of them related to human emotions, most of all self pity. How pathetic.

So thats one of the many reasons i don't drink anymore, the next day was hell traveling back home from that family event, that's why i stopped drinking, through my blogs i'll probably relate back to other times when i drank, which is quiet relevent as most days i spend just thinking about how much of a twat and a fool i've made out of myself, sometimes i even shout out like i've got tourettes for example today i was walking around town then thought of the time i was dancing in a club acting like i was the lead singer from a band, thinking i was god's gift and seeing how embarrased my friends face was when i looked over at him, again i was walking through town, thought of this moment and shouted 'FUCK SAKE!' which didn't do me any favors, but what i'm saying is, that i have visions everyday, i zone out of reality and go into a world of my own, its a horrible world and just about embarrsing moments of my life. 

Anyways enough of my ramble, i've got monday to make sure all of my university work is handed in, last year i failed as i'd stayed awake for 5 days straight on speed just before hand in date, on the 5th day, when i was suppose to hand in my work. I thought there was a lepricorn running around my room and people handing themselves in my waldrobe, so i failed first year. AND i'm meeting the band tomorrow so i've got loads to do instead writting this stupid diary. meh fuck meh fuck off,as'dghijadfo;h`ifz;. 

20/05/2011 Friday

This is not the beginning of my life, and I’ve tried to keep a joural before, for no apparent reason maybe to look back on my life, learn from mistakes. My minds a broken computer which doesn’t store any great information at all, it should be under repair but instead I choose to keep frying it until one day it’ll probably be not only be no use, but looks like a god awful mess as well.

Today was a new friends wedding, Tracy. She was once a beauty queen but as life tested her gift, she soon turned into a prostitute , but also raised children. Unlike the glamour of what the media potray’s to be quiet a glamourous lifestyle, this prozzy had no particular worries about what people thought of her at all. Tracy use to be a heroin addict but now she’s on that methadone stuff, good on her, even though I gave her a hit of it last night… We’re both on the same anti-depressants Mirtazpine, which knock you the fuck out. Anyway her wedding was today, I didn’t see the service because only 10 witnesses or in my eyes- victims were allowed in the registering rooms, didn’t bother me too much as I went to meet a dealer who dealed me 2 lots of dark and 1 lots of white, the night before I’d already smoked a good £40 to myself, watched a film called Gia which scared the shit out of me, but it was really good. 

I'm sitting here and i feel like a want to scratch my skin off, its so ichy! but this is just one of the many side effects of heroin. My room is full of art materials, paint on the walls, posters, old dolls, ripped clothing, really messy, but even before all of this i was always a messy person. I will clean it tomorrow though it needs to be done, like the insides of my body need to be cleaned, but when your rushing around leading two different lifestyles its quiet hard to keep on top of yourself, even though i am a very selfish person. Or am i? I'm not sure i don't really like justifying myself for the sake of others, so i guess one word to describe me is pretty selfish. 

Rolling a fag, really need to stop think i should have learnt by now that smoking will fucking kill you, dad had is heart attack because of it, that should be enough for me to open my eyes and really pierce the situation with my stare, but no, still smoking, still making a mess on my loved stained sheets spilling tabacco all over them. argh fucking INCHING MY THIGHS! its so irritating. 

Well i've been going to this thing called AA, it makes you stop drinking, but i had 1 drink today, i'm not annoyed at myself i was in a very awkward sociable situation so i forced myself to drink it for the happiness of others, you see, i am selfish but i also care a hell of a lot about people. So much, i love people but i fucking hate them too. My feelings are amplified, they scream and laugh, cry and kiss, rip and heal all up inside of me, one constant riot that never ends. 

Was really nice earlier, 4 gays sat in a field looking at blue skies all wearing tailored suits smoking crack and heroin together laughing together, hugging in none sexual ways, just hugging each other for the sake of hugging and feeling loved by a true friend. Didn't feel so much loved earlier when we had to hide under a car park of a venue in the cold, only three of us, two of us were arguing over drugs, because i don't drink anymore, the arguing has stopped so i just sat inhaled the dragon, titled my head against the pavement and shut my eyes until they stopped bicking over a lighter which we used to spark up the drug. 

Under a headlight we sat, the shadows looked as though they stood for miles beyond my eye from the angle my head was laid at, i felt warm, but tingly, i felt weak but mentally strong, the screaming noises around me just sank into the city air where i could no longer hear them.

I feel really drained now after causing a riot at a station, running around drug dealers etc...
Time for a nice cup of sweet tea, maybe some chocolate and a good film to watch. Let the chaos begin again tomorrow. 

I have no more stuff left and i can't do anymore till next week. I can't let myself become an addict again. That wouldn't be cool, but then again, whats life actually worth? why not enjoy it? am i enjoying it? Living it to the max? Whats the point in a roller coaster when you can drink so much you get a funny feeling in your stomach, whats the point in falling in love when you can feel a better kick off of a pill? Whats the point in having a support of a friend when you can have heroin to take you into a golden happy light? "because its not real!!??" No. Because it is real. Because you feel it, and drugs and booze won't let you down.  

Anyways i've just taken my medication so my eyes are feeling dry, best go to sleep.