I got him a job today to feed his Heroin habit, we went down to the needle pit opposite the police station, this place all says it in the name, literally the place is covered in used needles in a small woodland part, it has one concrete wall, which has junkie artwork all over it. This is where we get high as airplanes and shoot like stars. After meeting the beloved Kitty the crack and heroin dealer, i went to a bar, danced under crystal white light to screaming amplified music which rattled my bones, my hair and eye's glowing, piercing everyone in my way. I felt free tonight, and i didn't have a single drink. You see when i drink i turn into a Monster, i'm like Jekyll and Hyde, i can't control my brutal outbursts on society. When i don't drink i can just look over my feelings and twist around my words so i please others, if i did say what i thought most of the time, then i'd be sectioned, instantly. Only a few weekends back i had a huge epiphany about who i became when i drank.
I had an argument with a hotel manager because some ignorant white trash northern twats were having sex next door banging on the fucking walls for an hour, after an hour i went crazy and nearly smashed the wall down screaming, my boyfriend was being sick in the toilet and i couldn't help but kick off about how ignorant these commoned mouthed twats were being but my boyfriend grabbed me by the throat to shut me up, but i flew back at him with flying colours of emotion and made him bleed by scratching his arms however these were not the only arms i scratched that night, after telling my mother she was worthless in my rage, i stumbled onto blackpool beach, in 6inch platforms a black wig, black all down my face from my tears which made my mascara run, all in silver chains chains with no shirt on. I smashed the bottle i was drinking from and laid on the beach. The skies were grey i was screaming my lyrics out at the sea, no person could hear me but the seagulls were the only thing hearing my screams, they were obviously screaming back at me, they looked like the devils decimals at the time. The sand looked silver. and the sea looked vast but inviting. My mind was solar at this point, not on any drugs apart from drink, I was hysterically crying as i took what i thought would be my final breathe, i stabbed my self over and over again on my arms with the broken bottle, bleeding everywhere staining my body, letting the blood drip onto the rocks around me as the tide was coming in. I obviously survived, this was one of many times i cheated death, all this selfish act did was compliment the other hundreds of scars on my arms. My arms are covered in them, some from love, some from hate, all of them related to human emotions, most of all self pity. How pathetic.
So thats one of the many reasons i don't drink anymore, the next day was hell traveling back home from that family event, that's why i stopped drinking, through my blogs i'll probably relate back to other times when i drank, which is quiet relevent as most days i spend just thinking about how much of a twat and a fool i've made out of myself, sometimes i even shout out like i've got tourettes for example today i was walking around town then thought of the time i was dancing in a club acting like i was the lead singer from a band, thinking i was god's gift and seeing how embarrased my friends face was when i looked over at him, again i was walking through town, thought of this moment and shouted 'FUCK SAKE!' which didn't do me any favors, but what i'm saying is, that i have visions everyday, i zone out of reality and go into a world of my own, its a horrible world and just about embarrsing moments of my life.
Anyways enough of my ramble, i've got monday to make sure all of my university work is handed in, last year i failed as i'd stayed awake for 5 days straight on speed just before hand in date, on the 5th day, when i was suppose to hand in my work. I thought there was a lepricorn running around my room and people handing themselves in my waldrobe, so i failed first year. AND i'm meeting the band tomorrow so i've got loads to do instead writting this stupid diary. meh fuck meh fuck off,as'dghijadfo;h`ifz;.
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