26th May 2011

So monday was a bit of sham, i handed in all of my uni work and i was really pleased with all the outcome of experiments with my illistration work. After i thought i deserved a damn good smoke, I went into town and met Lusty, i had £200 in my bank account. After smoking all day i still thought i deserved a treat from all my 'hard work' so i went out into town and broke my none drinking, the night ended horribly i ended up crying about mum's cancer and buying a gram of coke which i shared between two people.
It was a fucking stupid idea, but i had a really good dance on monday night so that was good.
At the moment i'm currently cleaning my room. Last night i was so ill, i had a nose bleed and my stomach was killing me, i blame this on withdrawal. My bones felt like they were disolving, due to these horrible pains, i decided it was best for me to take heroin again today. I've smoked all day and i wrote a song, the inspiration has been brewing in me the past week i've had these beats going on in my head going round and round and round. Like electronic with overtones of soft vocals with over tones of screaming vocals with guitars that skin the very soul of mankind.
But i've had enough of heroin. Now i feel better because i've smoked today, but i'm cleaning my room as i woke up on tuesday with smeared make up down my face, a bloody nose from doing all the coke and a headache in a room which was just pure filth, dirty cups everywhere, backie everywhere, Lusty and Edie layed next to me, obviously nothing sexual, but i just felt horrible. I want to clean tonight, i've wrote a song and i want to get clean again. I fucking hate the withdrawal but its worth it if i don't sort this out now i'm going to kill myself. I have too much life to throw it away, i have a riot in me, but i need to find other ways to tame it, i could die, even though i think often of killing myself. I don't want to be a slow motion suicide, i love heroin, but its dark and fucking evil. I use to be so bright, loving and now even my friends have noticed a change, you can't hide a habit. I've changed. Its not good and i will die if i don't sort this out now. So i'm preparing for a flood of pain and emotion tomorrow, that's why i need a clean room, that's why i need to make sure everything around me is livable because i'm not going to able to do much the next few days anyway i'll see how it goes.