20/05/2011 Friday

This is not the beginning of my life, and I’ve tried to keep a joural before, for no apparent reason maybe to look back on my life, learn from mistakes. My minds a broken computer which doesn’t store any great information at all, it should be under repair but instead I choose to keep frying it until one day it’ll probably be not only be no use, but looks like a god awful mess as well.

Today was a new friends wedding, Tracy. She was once a beauty queen but as life tested her gift, she soon turned into a prostitute , but also raised children. Unlike the glamour of what the media potray’s to be quiet a glamourous lifestyle, this prozzy had no particular worries about what people thought of her at all. Tracy use to be a heroin addict but now she’s on that methadone stuff, good on her, even though I gave her a hit of it last night… We’re both on the same anti-depressants Mirtazpine, which knock you the fuck out. Anyway her wedding was today, I didn’t see the service because only 10 witnesses or in my eyes- victims were allowed in the registering rooms, didn’t bother me too much as I went to meet a dealer who dealed me 2 lots of dark and 1 lots of white, the night before I’d already smoked a good £40 to myself, watched a film called Gia which scared the shit out of me, but it was really good. 

I'm sitting here and i feel like a want to scratch my skin off, its so ichy! but this is just one of the many side effects of heroin. My room is full of art materials, paint on the walls, posters, old dolls, ripped clothing, really messy, but even before all of this i was always a messy person. I will clean it tomorrow though it needs to be done, like the insides of my body need to be cleaned, but when your rushing around leading two different lifestyles its quiet hard to keep on top of yourself, even though i am a very selfish person. Or am i? I'm not sure i don't really like justifying myself for the sake of others, so i guess one word to describe me is pretty selfish. 

Rolling a fag, really need to stop think i should have learnt by now that smoking will fucking kill you, dad had is heart attack because of it, that should be enough for me to open my eyes and really pierce the situation with my stare, but no, still smoking, still making a mess on my loved stained sheets spilling tabacco all over them. argh fucking INCHING MY THIGHS! its so irritating. 

Well i've been going to this thing called AA, it makes you stop drinking, but i had 1 drink today, i'm not annoyed at myself i was in a very awkward sociable situation so i forced myself to drink it for the happiness of others, you see, i am selfish but i also care a hell of a lot about people. So much, i love people but i fucking hate them too. My feelings are amplified, they scream and laugh, cry and kiss, rip and heal all up inside of me, one constant riot that never ends. 

Was really nice earlier, 4 gays sat in a field looking at blue skies all wearing tailored suits smoking crack and heroin together laughing together, hugging in none sexual ways, just hugging each other for the sake of hugging and feeling loved by a true friend. Didn't feel so much loved earlier when we had to hide under a car park of a venue in the cold, only three of us, two of us were arguing over drugs, because i don't drink anymore, the arguing has stopped so i just sat inhaled the dragon, titled my head against the pavement and shut my eyes until they stopped bicking over a lighter which we used to spark up the drug. 

Under a headlight we sat, the shadows looked as though they stood for miles beyond my eye from the angle my head was laid at, i felt warm, but tingly, i felt weak but mentally strong, the screaming noises around me just sank into the city air where i could no longer hear them.

I feel really drained now after causing a riot at a station, running around drug dealers etc...
Time for a nice cup of sweet tea, maybe some chocolate and a good film to watch. Let the chaos begin again tomorrow. 

I have no more stuff left and i can't do anymore till next week. I can't let myself become an addict again. That wouldn't be cool, but then again, whats life actually worth? why not enjoy it? am i enjoying it? Living it to the max? Whats the point in a roller coaster when you can drink so much you get a funny feeling in your stomach, whats the point in falling in love when you can feel a better kick off of a pill? Whats the point in having a support of a friend when you can have heroin to take you into a golden happy light? "because its not real!!??" No. Because it is real. Because you feel it, and drugs and booze won't let you down.  

Anyways i've just taken my medication so my eyes are feeling dry, best go to sleep.